There is a particular kind of ache that comes with parenting a lonely child.
Not the kind of loneliness that can be solved with a playdate or a full calendar—but the deeper kind. The kind that shows up as repeated requests, emotional intensity, and a sense that nothing quite reaches them.
For many families—especially homeschool families—that ache eventually funnels into one question:
Should I send my child to school, even if I don’t believe it’s the right environment?
This post isn’t an argument for or against school. It’s a reflection on what loneliness actually is, why it intensifies during the middle school years, and how community spaces can respond without rushing children into environments that may not meet their needs.
Loneliness isn’t about being around people
Loneliness is not simply the absence of peers. In the research literature, loneliness is defined as the distress that arises when there is a perceived gap between the relationships a person desires and the relationships they experience (Perlman & Peplau, 1998).
This is why a child can attend co-ops, classes, clubs, and activities—and still feel lonely.
Loneliness in children and adolescents is consistently associated with increased risk for depression and anxiety, both concurrently and over time. A large rapid systematic review found strong associations between loneliness, social isolation, and later mental health difficulties in youth (Loades et al., 2020). Subsequent reviews have reinforced these findings, identifying loneliness as a significant risk factor for emotional distress during childhood and adolescence (Hards et al., 2022).
When a child says, “I’m lonely,” they are naming a real, embodied experience—not a lack of stimulation.
Why loneliness intensifies around ages 11–13
Early adolescence is marked by a developmental shift in which peer relationships become increasingly central to identity formation, self-concept, and emotional regulation (National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, & Medicine, 2019).
During this stage, children are no longer satisfied with simply participating alongside others. They are seeking belonging—being known, recognized, and accepted within a peer context. Peer relationships at this age play a unique role in identity development and psychosocial adjustment (Ragelienė, 2016).
This is also why requests to attend school often emerge during this period. For many middle schoolers, school represents continuity, shared experience, and a visible peer culture—even when those needs are not guaranteed to be met there.
Why “more activities” doesn’t always solve loneliness
Families often respond to loneliness by increasing opportunities for social exposure: co-ops, enrichment classes, leadership programs, and creative workshops. These can be valuable and meaningful experiences.
At Elevated Earth, our library-based art classes intentionally center creativity and community. Classes are taught in terms, the same children attend consistently, and projects often span multiple weeks. During winter and spring, classes meet biweekly, and during summer they meet weekly—structures that support familiarity and shared experience.
And still, for many middle schoolers, loneliness persists.
Research suggests that loneliness is more closely tied to the quality and continuity of peer relationships than to the quantity of social interactions. A meta-analytic review found that friendship experiences—particularly relationship quality—are strongly associated with loneliness in children and adolescents (Schwartz-Mette et al., 2020).
In other words, novelty and variety do not reliably create belonging. Predictable proximity over time does.
School can offer connection, but connectedness—not attendance—is the protective factor
Research does not suggest that school attendance alone protects against loneliness or emotional distress. Rather, the protective variable is school connectedness: the extent to which students feel cared for, supported, and included by peers and adults in the school environment (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention [CDC], 2023).
Higher levels of school connectedness are associated with better mental health outcomes and lower risk behaviors (CDC, 2024). Importantly, connectedness is not guaranteed in every school setting and is experienced unevenly by students—particularly those who are sensitive, creative, or socially vulnerable.
This distinction matters. What children are seeking is not a building, but belonging.
What many homeschool middle schoolers lack
Many homeschool youth experience rich adult-led learning environments and frequent enrichment opportunities. What is often missing is peer-owned social space: time to be with peers without adult direction, evaluation, or outcome expectations.
Developmental research emphasizes the importance of peer-directed interaction during adolescence, as peers serve unique functions related to identity exploration, autonomy, and social learning (Laursen, 2018).
Without access to informal peer spaces, homeschool middle schoolers may experience persistent loneliness despite being highly engaged.
What we’re beginning to build: Middle School Studio Time (Ages 11–13)
In response to this need, we are exploring a new offering at Elevated Earth: Middle School Studio Time for ages 11–13.
Middle School Studio Time is not a class, a therapy group, or an enrichment program with performance goals. It is a weekly, drop-off creative third space where middle schoolers can simply be together—making art, building, talking, sitting quietly, collaborating, or doing nothing at all.
An adult is present for safety and boundaries, but not to orchestrate interaction. There are no icebreakers, no forced sharing, and no expectation that children form friendships on demand. Some sessions may be quiet at first. That is expected and intentional.
The structure is light but consistent: same day, same time, same age range, same peers over time. Research on adolescent social development consistently shows that continuity and predictability support relationship formation and emotional safety (National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, & Medicine, 2019).
Middle School Studio Time is still a pilot idea—small, imperfect, and evolving. And that is how real community work begins.
Why we’re moving slowly and intentionally
Peer-owned spaces only function when expectations are clear and the container is strong. Research on youth programs and mentoring consistently emphasizes that relationship-based interventions are most effective when they prioritize consistency, clear boundaries, and developmental appropriateness rather than rapid scale (Osborn et al., 2021).
Middle School Studio Time is not designed to fix loneliness quickly. It is designed to give belonging a place to grow.
A gentle invitation
If Middle School Studio Time resonates with you or your child, you’re welcome to reach out and let us know. We’re currently exploring interest as we shape a small pilot, and we’re being intentional about keeping group size limited and expectations clear.
There is no pressure, no timeline, and no obligation—only conversation.
A final word
Loneliness in children deserves serious attention—but the solution is not always school, and it is rarely more structure.
What young people need most is a place where they are expected, where they can show up as themselves, and where connection is allowed to unfold slowly.
At Elevated Earth, we are building that place—one borrowed space, one small group, and one consistent rhythm at a time.
References
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2023). School connectedness and risk behaviors and experiences among high school students—Youth Risk Behavior Survey, United States, 2021. MMWR Supplements, 72(1), 1–12.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). School connectedness: Strategies for increasing protective factors among youth. https://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/protective/school_connectedness.htm
Hards, E., Loades, M. E., Higson-Sweeney, N., Shafran, R., Serafimova, T., Brigden, A., Linney, C., & Crawley, E. (2022). Loneliness and mental health in children and adolescents: A systematic review. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 61(4), 1068–1093. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjc.12358
Laursen, B. (2018). Peer influence. In W. M. Bukowski, B. Laursen, & K. H. Rubin (Eds.), Handbook of peer interactions, relationships, and groups (2nd ed., pp. 447–469). Guilford Press.
Loades, M. E., Chatburn, E., Higson-Sweeney, N., Reynolds, S., Shafran, R., Brigden, A., Linney, C., McManus, M. N., Borwick, C., & Crawley, E. (2020). Rapid systematic review: The impact of social isolation and loneliness on the mental health of children and adolescents in the context of COVID-19. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 59(11), 1218–1239.e3. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jaac.2020.05.009
National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine. (2019). The promise of adolescence: Realizing opportunity for all youth. The National Academies Press. https://doi.org/10.17226/25388
Osborn, T. L., Weatherburn, P., French, R. S., & Beale, S. (2021). Interventions to address loneliness and social isolation in young people: A systematic review. Journal of Adolescence, 88, 148–162. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2021.02.005
Perlman, D., & Peplau, L. A. (1998). Loneliness. In H. S. Friedman (Ed.), Encyclopedia of mental health (Vol. 2, pp. 571–581). Academic Press.
Ragelienė, T. (2016). Links of adolescents’ identity development and relationships with peers: A systematic literature review. Journal of the Canadian Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 25(2), 97–105.
Schwartz-Mette, R. A., Shankman, J., Dueweke, A. R., Borowski, S., & Rose, A. J. (2020). Relations of friendship experiences with depressive symptoms and loneliness in childhood and adolescence: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 146(8), 664–700. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000239